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For the Love of Learning

Recently, I was working with a Mom who was contemplating holding her 11-year old daughter back a grade. The school was recommending it, as her daughter was far behind in math. Her daughter had started school early and, therefore, was a bit younger than the other kids. Mom wanted to do what was best for her child, but was at a loss as to what that was.

Prior to becoming a parent coach, I spent quite a number of years teaching kids in the classroom. Through the years, I had taught a handful of kids who were repeating the grade. The stigma was something that they carried the entire year. The teachers perceived these kids as the troubled ones who weren't successful or motivated and the students perceived them as stupid. The goal, however, was for these kids to somehow learn what they missed the first time around and be back on track with everyone else the following year. Not once did I see this happen. More importantly, the entire approach misses the boat of what education truly means.

What we, society and the school systems most often neglect to address is the concept of loving to learn. How many of us can say that our kids love learning? How many of us loved school, as a kid? How often have you been excited about learning something new, as an adult, simply because it was something that truly held your interest? Why isn't this something we value and instill in our kids when they are young?

For the mom who was deciding to hold her 11-year old back a grade, I asked her to consider if and how holding her back was going to instill in her daughter a love of pursuing new knowledge and new ideas. Was holding her back something that would ultimately be in her best interest, or ours?

We tend to define education in terms of grades, standards and classrooms. I would like to suggest that we begin redefine learning and education. True learning is not about collecting a certain number of facts and meeting predetermined standards. The love of learning is something that is innate in all of us. We are born interested in the world and excited about exploring it. What are you doing to make sure that your child doesn't lose that curiosity and enthusiasm about life?

Manipulative Little Monsters

It seems that, in today's society, there is a well-established understanding that children are manipulative and selfish. We expect that, given the opportunity, they will take advantage of any situation. Consequently, we have collectively decided that it is the role of the parent to control children's behaviors and decisions with constant directives.

"Don't touch that."

"Calm down."

"Share your toys."

"Say 'thank you'."

Certainly, there are times where safety is an issue and parent intervention is needed. However, with regard to daily behaviors, what if we shifted our general perception of children? What if, instead of expecting them to manipulate, we trusted them to do the right thing? (They should be familiar with 'the right thing', as that is something we are constantly modeling for them- right?) What if we trusted them to handle items appropriately, once we identified them as delicate? What if we honored their tantrums instead reacting to our own discomfort and embarrassment? What if we allowed them to express generosity and gratitude only when they were genuinely felt?

I would like to suggest that children are not the monsters that we make them out to be. They are far more capable than we allow, and when we shift our own approach, we begin to quickly see how competent and compassionate they can be.

Pants on Fire

Lying is a clever little trick our children use to avoid pain. Kids of all ages lie about issues of all kinds- homework, chores, friends, etc. Typically, as parents we read this behavior as just another maneuver our kids use to manipulate us into getting 'their way'. Consequently, when kids lies to us, they are punished for what we deem to be unacceptable behavior. This causes shame and begins to build a wall between parent and child.

However, let's take a step back for a moment and ask, "Why do kids lie?". The answer is simply that we have taught them to. The only reason kids lie is because, through our words and our actions, we have made it unsafe for them to tell us the truth. Lying is form of self-protection. Children protect themselves from punishment, shame, criticism, and emotional pain by denying what is true.

What if, as parents, we were to shift our perspective. Rather than fearing the lies our children tell, what if we were to welcome them as indicators that something is not right? When a child lies, before punishing the behavior, what if we were to question the reason for the lie?

• Why does the child feel that he can't be honest with us?
• What consequence is he trying to avoid?

Remember that a consequence is not necessarily just a punishment doled out by parents, but can also be in the form of shame, embarrassment or rejection. Are you giving your kids the space and support they need to be honest, rather than just criticizing them when they struggle? When they no longer need to lie, they will stop.

Controlling the Techie Tween

The rise of gadgetry in today's society has many parents wondering "What is too much screen time?". Parents find that, once their kids are 'plugged-in', they are very much 'tuned-out' to parents, family needs and chores. While texting or wearing earphones, kids are typically unresponsive to the rest of the world. Not only does this make communication frustrating, but it also leaves parents to worry about how their child is actually using their screen time.

In an attempt to find balance, parents often try to establish rules regarding usage. Some families keep computers out of children's bedrooms. Some parents allow certain gadgetry, but not others. Ultimately, though, parents find that the introduction of these gadgets only serves as yet another thing to have to control.

Whether we like it or not, in today's society, kids needs to use technology to some degree to feel that they fit in. While it may be hard for us to understand (having managed just fine without these gadgets), IM-ing, texting and cell-phone use have all become part of basic social interaction. As a child enters the teen years, their focus is on their social standing. They are beginning to see themselves as having their own identity and their social group is closely tied to that identity. Fitting in and communicating regularly with their circle are developmentally-appropriate needs.

At the same time, Mom and Dad have needs of their own. They need to feel that their son is still an active participant in the family. They need to feel confident that their daughter is not engaging herself in dangerous online activity. They need their kids to appreciate the great financial expense all these gadgets cost the family.

The first key for a healthy tween to gadget relationship begins with communication. While kids may not be able to articulate their need for gadgetry, parents need to understand and respect it. Trying to control the usage or censor the content, only serves to undermine the parent-child relationship. In order for children to be trustworthy, they need to know that they can be trusted. This can be a hard one for parents to swallow. If you feel you can't trust your child right now, consider reflecting on that for a while. Why can't you trust them? What are you worried that they will do? Is your fear based on their behavior or your own? The need to monitor your child's screen time stems out of fear and communicates to them that you do not trust their judgement or abilities. Rather than wasting time trying to control their gadgets, your time would be better-spent on communicating with them to develop a mutual trust.

The second key is that they need to understand your needs. Once you identify your own needs, you will be able to communicate them to your child. Perhaps you need to feel connected to your child in a way that 6 hours of screen time does not permit. Perhaps you need them to communicate to you why the screen time is so important for them. The more open and honest you are with your children, the more open and honest they will be with you. The more respect you show them, the more respect they will show you.

The bottom line is that trying to control the techie tween is futile and unproductive. A more effective way of protecting your child from the effects of technology is to develop mutual respect, trust and understanding.