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For the Love of Learning

Recently, I was working with a Mom who was contemplating holding her 11-year old daughter back a grade. The school was recommending it, as her daughter was far behind in math. Her daughter had started school early and, therefore, was a bit younger than the other kids. Mom wanted to do what was best for her child, but was at a loss as to what that was.

Prior to becoming a parent coach, I spent quite a number of years teaching kids in the classroom. Through the years, I had taught a handful of kids who were repeating the grade. The stigma was something that they carried the entire year. The teachers perceived these kids as the troubled ones who weren't successful or motivated and the students perceived them as stupid. The goal, however, was for these kids to somehow learn what they missed the first time around and be back on track with everyone else the following year. Not once did I see this happen. More importantly, the entire approach misses the boat of what education truly means.

What we, society and the school systems most often neglect to address is the concept of loving to learn. How many of us can say that our kids love learning? How many of us loved school, as a kid? How often have you been excited about learning something new, as an adult, simply because it was something that truly held your interest? Why isn't this something we value and instill in our kids when they are young?

For the mom who was deciding to hold her 11-year old back a grade, I asked her to consider if and how holding her back was going to instill in her daughter a love of pursuing new knowledge and new ideas. Was holding her back something that would ultimately be in her best interest, or ours?

We tend to define education in terms of grades, standards and classrooms. I would like to suggest that we begin redefine learning and education. True learning is not about collecting a certain number of facts and meeting predetermined standards. The love of learning is something that is innate in all of us. We are born interested in the world and excited about exploring it. What are you doing to make sure that your child doesn't lose that curiosity and enthusiasm about life?

Manipulative Little Monsters

It seems that, in today's society, there is a well-established understanding that children are manipulative and selfish. We expect that, given the opportunity, they will take advantage of any situation. Consequently, we have collectively decided that it is the role of the parent to control children's behaviors and decisions with constant directives.

"Don't touch that."

"Calm down."

"Share your toys."

"Say 'thank you'."

Certainly, there are times where safety is an issue and parent intervention is needed. However, with regard to daily behaviors, what if we shifted our general perception of children? What if, instead of expecting them to manipulate, we trusted them to do the right thing? (They should be familiar with 'the right thing', as that is something we are constantly modeling for them- right?) What if we trusted them to handle items appropriately, once we identified them as delicate? What if we honored their tantrums instead reacting to our own discomfort and embarrassment? What if we allowed them to express generosity and gratitude only when they were genuinely felt?

I would like to suggest that children are not the monsters that we make them out to be. They are far more capable than we allow, and when we shift our own approach, we begin to quickly see how competent and compassionate they can be.

Pants on Fire

Lying is a clever little trick our children use to avoid pain. Kids of all ages lie about issues of all kinds- homework, chores, friends, etc. Typically, as parents we read this behavior as just another maneuver our kids use to manipulate us into getting 'their way'. Consequently, when kids lies to us, they are punished for what we deem to be unacceptable behavior. This causes shame and begins to build a wall between parent and child.

However, let's take a step back for a moment and ask, "Why do kids lie?". The answer is simply that we have taught them to. The only reason kids lie is because, through our words and our actions, we have made it unsafe for them to tell us the truth. Lying is form of self-protection. Children protect themselves from punishment, shame, criticism, and emotional pain by denying what is true.

What if, as parents, we were to shift our perspective. Rather than fearing the lies our children tell, what if we were to welcome them as indicators that something is not right? When a child lies, before punishing the behavior, what if we were to question the reason for the lie?

• Why does the child feel that he can't be honest with us?
• What consequence is he trying to avoid?

Remember that a consequence is not necessarily just a punishment doled out by parents, but can also be in the form of shame, embarrassment or rejection. Are you giving your kids the space and support they need to be honest, rather than just criticizing them when they struggle? When they no longer need to lie, they will stop.