Pants on Fire

Lying is a clever little trick our children use to avoid pain. Kids of all ages lie about issues of all kinds- homework, chores, friends, etc. Typically, as parents we read this behavior as just another maneuver our kids use to manipulate us into getting 'their way'. Consequently, when kids lies to us, they are punished for what we deem to be unacceptable behavior. This causes shame and begins to build a wall between parent and child.

However, let's take a step back for a moment and ask, "Why do kids lie?". The answer is simply that we have taught them to. The only reason kids lie is because, through our words and our actions, we have made it unsafe for them to tell us the truth. Lying is form of self-protection. Children protect themselves from punishment, shame, criticism, and emotional pain by denying what is true.

What if, as parents, we were to shift our perspective. Rather than fearing the lies our children tell, what if we were to welcome them as indicators that something is not right? When a child lies, before punishing the behavior, what if we were to question the reason for the lie?

• Why does the child feel that he can't be honest with us?
• What consequence is he trying to avoid?

Remember that a consequence is not necessarily just a punishment doled out by parents, but can also be in the form of shame, embarrassment or rejection. Are you giving your kids the space and support they need to be honest, rather than just criticizing them when they struggle? When they no longer need to lie, they will stop.